Fall For You - Secondhand Seranade

The best thing about tonight's that we're not fighting
Could it be that we have been this way before
I know you don't think that I am trying
I know you're wearing thin down to the core

But hold your breathe
Because tonight will be the night that I will fall for you
Over again, don't make me change my mind
Or I wont live to see another day
I swear it's true
Because a girl like you is impossible to find
You're impossible to find

This is not what I intended
I always swore to you I'd never fall apart
You always thought that I was stronger
I may have failed, but I have loved you from the start

But hold your breathe
Because tonight will be the night that I will fall for you
Over again
Don't make me change my mind
Or I wont live to see another day
I swear it's true
Because a girl like you is impossible to find
It's impossible

So breathe in so deep
Breathe me in
I'm yours to keep
And hold onto your words
Cos' talk is cheap
And remember me tonight
When you're asleep

Because tonight will be the night that I will fall for you
Over again
Don't make me change my mind
Or I wont live to see another day
I swear it's true
Because a girl like you is impossible to find
Tonight will be the night that I will fall for you
Over again
Don't make me change my mind
Or I wont live to see another day
I swear it's true
Because a girl like you is impossible to find
You're impossible to find

When I get these sick stirrings in my belly, and the paranoia sets in - I wonder what exactly it is I'm looking for.

Why am I going in search of things I know will inevitably hurt me?

If I discover something, my heart will sink.

And if I don't, then I'll be torn between wondering if you've gotten better at hiding, or if you're really telling the truth.

I'm tired of feeling this way.

Of being hijakced by paranoia and heartache throughout the day, especially when I least expect it.

I'm trying to tell myself to set these feelings aside, because if you're intent on lying, you will.

And there's not a thing I can do about it. But that's certainly easier said than done.

Maybe fundamentally what I'm most afraid of, is of my reality being a facade.

Because what this all boils down to, is whether the life I'm living is real or not. Whether the things I believe in are real, or not.

And I'm afraid of that reality being shattered. I'm afraid of being happy in case it isn't real. I'm afraid of hoping and dreaming, in case it isn't real.

I don't want to be that girl that people pity and laugh at behind her back.

I never even knew I was that girl. Till now.

I want control of my life back.

I want my choices in my life back.

I want to have a say in whether I can or cannot accept things that affect my life. Because it's only a relationship between two parties, if both of you get a choice in picking out the path you take.

So please mind and heart, for my sake, stop wondering.

Have you felt like you were baring your heart to a stuffed toy?

Like you're not being heard.

Like your intentions and feelings don't matter.

Like no one's listening.

Fall For You by Secondhand Seranade popped up on my iTunes yesterday.

I don't know how or why I have the song, but I felt like it really connected with me and for once, I felt a glimmer of hope again.

Like everything's not so bleak.

It's true nothing's the same, and the path to happily ever after isn't quite what I'd thought it'd be. It's a lot less Disney, and a lot more Grimm Brothers, but I accept that's what my life is now because everything happens for a reason.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that where once, I thought hope only showed itself in the form of unicorns and rainbows (which I now know are fictitious, unless you show me otherwise), I'm accepting now that it can also manifest in other ways.

And for me, that's the hope this song brings.

It's not a Disney rendition of fireworks and magic dust, but it represents to me hope in that I want to find a guy who feels this way about me.

That he wants to fight for me. Because I matter.

And so I make this my anthem of the moment.

"But when I'm way up here, it's crystal clear, that now I'm in a whole new world with you."

"How blue can I get, you could ask my heart. But like a jigsaw puzzle it's been torn all apart."

Saturday, 25 June.

One month and three days.

Still picking up the pieces.

"some day when my crying's done, I'm gonna wear a smile and walk in the sun"

Deeper, longer, smoother

After a weekend of roughing it in Dayang, we're now certified Advanced PADI divers!

And yes, we can now go deeper, for longer, and enjoy a smoother ride down to the bottom of the deep blue sea.

Pre trip

It was a mad rush to get all our gear in order. Picking up our booties, buying our flippers (yes, I'm a dolphin), digging out our goggles and tube thingy (so much more fun sounding than mask and snorkel don't you think?), pulling out the wetsuits from my cousin which I had stashed all the way to the back of my closet in a black rubbish bag, and all the other miscellaneous things like food and sea bands (best invention, ever!).

Friday

Lugged all our gear to work. Bag was getting a little heavy so I decided to offload some of it into my tummy - namely two packets of cheese crackers. I'm sure it made a difference.

After work, we met at the Hans just on the corner of South Bridge road for a quick dinner of cheese omelette and some last minute studying before hauling ass over to Hong Kong street to catch the bus to Mersing.

Put on my sea bands and didn't feel queasy at all.

The queue at customs was kinda insane, and we finally made it to Mersing just after midnight.

Hopped onto a boat that was dark, dingy and already had people curled up in the few bunk beds that were available. We had to crawl through two boats to get to ours, and it all felt very covert and illegal immigrants-ish.

We made do with some seats up the front and tried to go to sleep.

Saturday

Arrived at Dayang at about 5am. Was told that we were bunking with the crew and that we would have no aircon - thanks a lot Boo! The two mosquito bites on my leg thank you too. The only upside of that arrangement was that we had an ensuite bathroom - but let's just say calling the place a resort is a stretch. No aircon, no hot water, no towels, no blankets. Need I say more?

Managed to sleep for a couple of hours before we had to wake for our first dive of the day.

My only thoughts as we were suitting up in the boat was, "please let this be over soon".

The day passed slowly, and I got incredibly sea sick after the third dive of the day. Threw up in the water as the OWD students were surfacing. Thank god for them they barely missed my lunch of chilli, rice and watermelon.

The boat took us back to the resort for a quick change of tanks and a short break before it was time for the night dive.

By this time, I was feeling well and truly sick. And was thinking that I never wanted to dive again. I just wasn't built for the water!

He was great through it all though. Fussing over me, and taking care of all heavy lifting whilst I perched daintily by the tiny ledge on the side of the boat trying to "look far".

Decided that I just could not brave the night dive, so he went off with the rest of the group whilst I stayed back to shower and hang by the jetty waiting for him to come back.

I sat there like a sailor's wife, peering out longingly at the sea. Getting up each time I saw a boat pull up, wandering if he was going to be back safe.

Finally, they came back and we trooped off to dinner on the beach. It sounds a lot more chichi than it is. In truth, it was a whole lot of suspect-looking food, served on plates that looked like they needed a wash. But I suppose some of it didn't taste too bad.

Sunday

Had to wake at 5am for our first dive of the day. It was a deep dive, and we were going in from the shore. I honestly believed that I was going to die out there, and was imagining all sorts of scenarios in my mind of becoming fish food because I hadn't eaten dumplings this year.

But I actually quite enjoyed it! And I think I was also starting to get the hang of the breathing thing, because I no longer used up air as quickly as I used to when we first started.

After our first dive, we had two more leisure dives which were just as much fun.

After the second dive of the day I was feeling great, and so decided to make a guest appearance by the tanks to do my own changing (of the tanks). I think he nearly fell over when he saw me removing the BCD. By this time, he had gotten quite accustomed to doing it all for me. And generally going round the boat helping everyone else with theirs. Adjusting their tanks, tightening it for them, helping them into the water, turning on their oxygen for them.

I'm proud of him for helping out, but like I said, you can't be there doing everything for everyone. You need to teach them to fish so they can learn to feed themselves! It's different for me because you'll always be there when I dive. So it's ok if you do it for me. But you won't always be there when other people need help. Nonetheless, he did well. I think he (not so) secretly wants to be a divemaster.

Ended our final dive in high spirits, and decided that I was really getting into this diving thing - all leisure dives from here on out! And I'm glad our next dive's going to be a semi-chichi one in a proper resort with a spa and all! It's no Maldives Four Seasons, but it's a hell of a long way from our budget diving that's for sure!

The journey back to Singapore was long, but we got to stop at Mersing again for about half an hour. He bought me ramlee burger and a bottle of water from a roadside stall and called it a date. I guess it was kinda sweet, in a quaint way, and was a nice way to wrap up the weekend.

I choose to disregard everything that happened after - including the mini fight on the bus, the long wait at customs, and the taxi that never showed.

Listening to random songs on my playlist - haven't done that in awhile - and Blessid Union of Souls came up. Such a throw back to the past.

It makes me miss a yesterday when I didn't feel quite this way.

I can't put my finger on it, I just know it's poo and I want it to go away.