I used to think that there was so much I wanted to do with my life.

I wanted to fly high, and see lots. I wanted to travel the world, live in a big city, and have a kickass career. Maybe own my own business.

And the voyeur in me only made it so much worse - it used to be blog surfing, these days it's Facebook. I'd often look at pictures of people's fabulous lives of parties and booze, supplemented by their high-flying 'banking' jobs and whatnot, and I'd wonder to myself how I got to be so medicore in life.

But tonight, as I'm tossing in bed and unable to get to sleep, I'm inclined to look at it from a different point of view.

I'm not sure that this is really what I want in life.

And as a matter of fact, I'm not sure what I want at all.

What's becoming slowly apparent is my envy these days stem not from looking at the pictures of people who seem to have it all - the beautiful, eloquent, rich ones who mix with other beautiful, eloquent rich ones. But rather, the ones who radiate true happiness in their pictures. The ones who don't let their lives be ruled by labels and looks.

I envy people who are natural 'people-persons'. I used to be like that, but it was oh-so-long ago.

I love to death my girls, but just sometimes, I wonder what it'd be like to have a slightly larger group to do things with.

I think I'm rambling, and I'm not at all sure what I'm trying to get at.

Like everyone else, I'm just trying to make my way in life. Figuring out who I am, and where I fit in. And I can only hope that the person I'm growing into, isn't someone I'll come to resent one day, much further down the line.

Good night world.

adidas Sundown Marathon: 13 days to go

And just like that, we're close to finishing up the first half of the year.

It seems like forever ago that I signed up for the adidas Sundown Marathon, and now there's less than 2 weeks to go.

I keep telling myself I'll survive the run. Of course I will.

"I can, I will." - taken from the staff training manual of a certain airline that the boy's working on at the moment, this line just absolutely cracks me up.

And if I can't, "I will say 'no' the 'yes' way".

Whatever does it mean anyway.

Ever since my brother-in-law learnt how to upload songs to his iPod, it's been a early-90s Mandarin/Cantonese song marathon every weekend when I go over to play mahjong. Think Emil Chau and Jacky Cheung.

For some reason, that era of songs always make me a little melancholy. Or maybe it's just Chinese songs in general - very emo.

One of the songs I've particularly taken to is 'Feng Yu Wu Zu' by Emil Chau.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D9b4Pnpbx4Q&feature=related

Saturday musings.

It looks all bright and cheery out today, you almost can't tell that it was pouring just half an hour ago.

I know I should be a little more excited with a new job coming up, but I can't help feeling drained by my current still, even though there's only 2 more weeks of it to go.

I want to get myself a new notebook to start a new chapter in my life. I think that's what I'll do.

And a new macbook too while I'm at it - I wish.

Melbourne

Was doing some random blog surfing whilst waiting for my nails to dry.

Came across a blog.

A girl's going to Melbourne for a holiday, and she asked for people to leave comments on where to go, and what to do there.

I read through the comments, and oh how I miss the place.

It was truly my first home away from home, and the place where I did most of my growing up.

I developed a better relationship with my parents, and learnt to appreciate the notion of family that little bit more.

I learnt to drive, and got my very first car - my baby giant.

I learnt to use the washing machine, and the rice cooker (I can cook, I just never had to use a rice cooker before Melbourne and that ain't my fault - my mother is a blast from the past. Still uses a crock pot to cook rice and charcoal to boil soup.).

I learnt that non-electric kettles, should never be left on the fire, in the apartment, whilst you go downstairs to get the mail/take your rubbish out to the chute - I had self-locking doors and because I lived alone, it was A$150 every single bloody time I let the door close on me. I remember many a-time just standing outside my door, hearing the kettle whistle whilst waiting for the locksmith to arrive with my fingers crossed, hoping the apartment wouldn't get burnt down.

Luckily it never did.

I learnt that dishes pile up in the sink really quickly.

I learnt not to put all my clothes in the dryer - most of my pants became three-quarts, and my tees - mid-rift baring little things.

I know now some things can be put in the dryers, and others can't.

I learnt that statistics suck - you know how there's always a margin of error that's allowed on production ? My washing machine was in that margin of error and more than once, did it end up flooding my toilet.

And the repair guy's explanation - "these things happen, margin of error".

I never felt more lonely and alone than I did when I was there, but I wouldn't swap it for anything else.

It's where I learnt to fend for myself.

It's where I got to know myself.

And it's where I really grew up.

I miss the place.

I miss going to Coles in the middle of the night, and picking out my favourite toilet paper. I miss Mondays at Coles - that's when all the tabloids came out (NW was my favourite, but I don't buy them in Singapore - too expensive). I miss not buying grapes because they cost $14.75/kg. I miss buying rocket leaves for $1.99. I miss the South Melbourne market, and the Sweetheart cafe across the road. I miss the Yarra river. I miss walking along Southgate. I miss going to Crown. I miss hearing the fire roar at the head of every hour. I miss driving along King Albert Park towards St Kilda's beach. I miss watching the sunset from King Albert Park on the way home from school - I always turned off to take that route, rather than the 'faster' straight route (according to Jem - though I think my way's more scenic, and it feels faster to me). I miss pumping petrol once every fortnight - and challenging myself to see how long I could go without having to pump petrol. I miss always having my moonroof exposed so that the car would always be filled with a little ray of sunshine/moonlight. I miss driving to Chadstone, and popping into Peter Alexander followed by CottonOn. I miss the instant noodles from the Dessert Cafe in Chinatown. I miss garlic steamed oysters from Pacific House in Richmond. I miss the sushi rolls from SushiSushi. I miss walking to the city on my own, and just strolling through all the 'little' streets (I say 'little' because every other street is 'little x' - so for example it's Bourke Street, then little Bourke street, then Lonsdale, then little lonsdale - but they really are little, so maybe that's what inspired the names) and exploring the eclectic mix of shops that are hidden there. I miss the Vietnamese beef noodles. I miss cooking minced beef every possible way. I miss frying my rice with luncheon meat, egg and apples (yes apples, it's yummy - or at least I think so). I miss Australian rice - it's the short, fat-grained type rice, just like Japanese rice. I miss the peace and tranquility of life there. I miss the anonymity of life there.

And most of all, I miss not feeling like I'm being scrutinised by the type of car I drive, what I'm wearing, where I'm staying or what brand bag I'm carrying.

I miss how everyone is making their own way in life there - you can get a full time job. Or not. You can just work at Coles if that makes you happy.

Either way, you'll survive a decent life.

And that's the most important lesson I learnt there - that your life is a series of choices that you make and you should do what makes you happy because at the end of the day, no one's going to live your life but you.

So don't let others make you feel small, and don't let yourself be judged by the image of others.

Just be a little more oblivious, look in the mirror 2 times less a day and just be happy to be who you are.

go home now little pigeon

Update
Ok, so I didn't go running. oops. Wednesday, I promise !!


Original Post
We did our first semi-real run/jog/walk yesterday evening, since the Stanchart Marathon waaay waaay back in December.

Needless to say, it left me completely pooped beyond pooped.

I left work a little after 6pm, with the intention of going on another such run - no time to waste, the Sundown Marathon is coming up in a little over a month.

It's 830pm now, and I'm still on my bed, watching Weeds.

This absolutely will not do.

In 20minutes, I'm going to pluck my lazy behind off my bed, change into my shorts and tee and go for a run/jog.walk.

Perseverence !

Sweets for my sweet.

I've been having lots of cravings for sweet stuff lately, and that's pretty strange because sweet stuff usually makes me want to hurl - personally, I prefer savoury stuff (like cheese, parma ham).

A nice tub of Haagen-dazs chocolate ice-cream right now would be perfect.

:(

Bangkok!

So just like that, my 4 + 5 (weekends + the Good Friday holiday) days of blissful R&R is over. Where did it all go ?

Let's see.

The last Friday before we went off was hectic.

First there was the handover at work, and then sending out tonnes off emails to ensure (well, to whatever degree I can ensure it anyway) that the wheels kept spinning whilst I was away (because apparently, time waits for no man and work still needs to be done whether you're happily away on holiday, or sick in bed).

But finally, I sent out my last email, turned on my 'Out of Office' notice and was done.

We went over to his place.

Packed for ages, because he wanted to bring EVERYTHING ! Not that I'm complaining. The Zambuk (used it the very first night, after getting bitten half to death at the restaurant where we got conned - but that's another story), flu meds (for him) and Poh Chai Yin (for him again) were put to good use.

By the time we got back to my place to pack, it was almost midnight and I just wanted to crawl into bed. But alas, no such pleasure because we had to be at the airport at some unearthly hour (8am I think it was) the very next morning.

So I packed.

Yup I did.

Everything nicely into a wee little wheely bag.

Said 'wee little wheely bag' of course wasn't able to accommodate my 4 full days worth of shopping of course but thankfully he had the foresight to bring along his huge bag.

Secretly, I knew all along my shopping was never going to fit into the 'wee little wheely bag' (are you kidding, it's BANGKOK ! Home of the mythical Chatuchak market where everything supposedly costs $2 - you know how it is whenever you buy something at FEP, and people tell you "in Bangkok, it's only $2!". So anyway, we found out it cost closer to $10, but hey, still a bargain!), but I knew he was bringing the bigger bag and that I was going to hijack the space, and that he would never deny me - so we were all good to go !

We got to the airport bright and early. Checked in, had a quick Maccas breakfast and were in Bangkok in a blink of an eye.

The trip was completely awesome - I did things I never would have done before. We took the train, and even the bus where we were crammed to within an inch of our lives but I lived to tell the tale. Buses there are amazing. They have bus conductor ladies who squeeze in and out of the throngs of people collecting the fare, and unlike the buses here in Singapore - the buses continue driving with the doors open, as people run after and hop on to the bus.

It's all very fluid.

We got lost after we got off the bus, and we walked in the rain for an hour whilst my legs got splattered with mud and leaves. And all the while, he's carrying a backpack full of my shopping without a single word of complaint.

There wasn't even so much as an "I told you so" when I insisted that we were walking in the right direction, and wouldn't listen to him, or agree to hop into a cab/tuktuk.

He told me later when we got back to the hotel that I looked so absolutely determined to 'rough it' and figure out the way (we've been talking about me learning to 'rough it' so he can take me backpacking) that he couldn't bear to spoil my fun, so he just let me lead the way.

I love him for being patient with me, the way he is.