"How blue can I get, you could ask my heart. But like a jigsaw puzzle it's been torn all apart."

Saturday, 25 June.

One month and three days.

Still picking up the pieces.

"some day when my crying's done, I'm gonna wear a smile and walk in the sun"

Deeper, longer, smoother

After a weekend of roughing it in Dayang, we're now certified Advanced PADI divers!

And yes, we can now go deeper, for longer, and enjoy a smoother ride down to the bottom of the deep blue sea.

Pre trip

It was a mad rush to get all our gear in order. Picking up our booties, buying our flippers (yes, I'm a dolphin), digging out our goggles and tube thingy (so much more fun sounding than mask and snorkel don't you think?), pulling out the wetsuits from my cousin which I had stashed all the way to the back of my closet in a black rubbish bag, and all the other miscellaneous things like food and sea bands (best invention, ever!).

Friday

Lugged all our gear to work. Bag was getting a little heavy so I decided to offload some of it into my tummy - namely two packets of cheese crackers. I'm sure it made a difference.

After work, we met at the Hans just on the corner of South Bridge road for a quick dinner of cheese omelette and some last minute studying before hauling ass over to Hong Kong street to catch the bus to Mersing.

Put on my sea bands and didn't feel queasy at all.

The queue at customs was kinda insane, and we finally made it to Mersing just after midnight.

Hopped onto a boat that was dark, dingy and already had people curled up in the few bunk beds that were available. We had to crawl through two boats to get to ours, and it all felt very covert and illegal immigrants-ish.

We made do with some seats up the front and tried to go to sleep.

Saturday

Arrived at Dayang at about 5am. Was told that we were bunking with the crew and that we would have no aircon - thanks a lot Boo! The two mosquito bites on my leg thank you too. The only upside of that arrangement was that we had an ensuite bathroom - but let's just say calling the place a resort is a stretch. No aircon, no hot water, no towels, no blankets. Need I say more?

Managed to sleep for a couple of hours before we had to wake for our first dive of the day.

My only thoughts as we were suitting up in the boat was, "please let this be over soon".

The day passed slowly, and I got incredibly sea sick after the third dive of the day. Threw up in the water as the OWD students were surfacing. Thank god for them they barely missed my lunch of chilli, rice and watermelon.

The boat took us back to the resort for a quick change of tanks and a short break before it was time for the night dive.

By this time, I was feeling well and truly sick. And was thinking that I never wanted to dive again. I just wasn't built for the water!

He was great through it all though. Fussing over me, and taking care of all heavy lifting whilst I perched daintily by the tiny ledge on the side of the boat trying to "look far".

Decided that I just could not brave the night dive, so he went off with the rest of the group whilst I stayed back to shower and hang by the jetty waiting for him to come back.

I sat there like a sailor's wife, peering out longingly at the sea. Getting up each time I saw a boat pull up, wandering if he was going to be back safe.

Finally, they came back and we trooped off to dinner on the beach. It sounds a lot more chichi than it is. In truth, it was a whole lot of suspect-looking food, served on plates that looked like they needed a wash. But I suppose some of it didn't taste too bad.

Sunday

Had to wake at 5am for our first dive of the day. It was a deep dive, and we were going in from the shore. I honestly believed that I was going to die out there, and was imagining all sorts of scenarios in my mind of becoming fish food because I hadn't eaten dumplings this year.

But I actually quite enjoyed it! And I think I was also starting to get the hang of the breathing thing, because I no longer used up air as quickly as I used to when we first started.

After our first dive, we had two more leisure dives which were just as much fun.

After the second dive of the day I was feeling great, and so decided to make a guest appearance by the tanks to do my own changing (of the tanks). I think he nearly fell over when he saw me removing the BCD. By this time, he had gotten quite accustomed to doing it all for me. And generally going round the boat helping everyone else with theirs. Adjusting their tanks, tightening it for them, helping them into the water, turning on their oxygen for them.

I'm proud of him for helping out, but like I said, you can't be there doing everything for everyone. You need to teach them to fish so they can learn to feed themselves! It's different for me because you'll always be there when I dive. So it's ok if you do it for me. But you won't always be there when other people need help. Nonetheless, he did well. I think he (not so) secretly wants to be a divemaster.

Ended our final dive in high spirits, and decided that I was really getting into this diving thing - all leisure dives from here on out! And I'm glad our next dive's going to be a semi-chichi one in a proper resort with a spa and all! It's no Maldives Four Seasons, but it's a hell of a long way from our budget diving that's for sure!

The journey back to Singapore was long, but we got to stop at Mersing again for about half an hour. He bought me ramlee burger and a bottle of water from a roadside stall and called it a date. I guess it was kinda sweet, in a quaint way, and was a nice way to wrap up the weekend.

I choose to disregard everything that happened after - including the mini fight on the bus, the long wait at customs, and the taxi that never showed.

Listening to random songs on my playlist - haven't done that in awhile - and Blessid Union of Souls came up. Such a throw back to the past.

It makes me miss a yesterday when I didn't feel quite this way.

I can't put my finger on it, I just know it's poo and I want it to go away.

Haven't been eating or sleeping well.

Please. Let. This. Pass.

Soon.

A new beginning

It's not a re-write, and we're not wiping the slate clean. We're just opening up a new chapter, wiser from the experiences of the chapters before.

Trying isn't going to be easy, but from the conversation we had earlier, I think the elements are hinting of good times ahead.

Better even, than the good times we had before.

All at once, my world feels complete again. And sappy love songs are just that, not tear-inducing and wallow-encouraging.

What a whirlwind the past 36hours have been.

I can't wait to get to know us all over again.

And this time, you get more than plates and utensils.

(Warning: Don't take this as free rein and try to poke your nose into everything too quickly. I might get territorial and bite, but be patient. I'll try.)

"You can take the girl out of Disneyland, but you can't take the Disney out of her."

Alright, so maybe no one famous said that, and therefore it can't be a quote.

But I'm making up the rules today.

A lot happened in the span of a day.

And I felt my heart break into a million pieces like it never did before.

Above all, I was sad that the life I had imagined was perhaps never to be, and I grieved for it. I also grieved for the memories, the happy times, and the ghost chairs that might never be.

I've always thought I was a fairly intuitive person.

So never in my wildest dreams did I imagine that you would have been so grossly unhappy, and for such a long spell at that, without any realisation on my part.

I didn't realise the lies stemmed from unhappiness. But in retrospect, I guess I should have. Though when I confronted you about the lies, you never said more than it being just easier and that you were just doing a guy thing. A stupid, cliched guy thing.

Was my interpretation of the happy times, solely mine? A figment of my imagination? I refuse to believe that's true, but the words that come out of your mouth and your actions tell me otherwise.

I don't believe in breaks, but I tried to give you the space you need. I really tried, but pride got pursued by heartache, and decided to bail on me.

So we spoke. For a long time.

But what struck me was that it didn't feel so different from the conversations we had on any regular day. Except this time, tears were constantly threatening to flow forth.

It is beyond me how your endless quest for life and excitement with acquaintances and colleagues can be so easily prioritised ahead of anything we share. And it saddens me to realise how much a line of distinction you also choose to draw between the two.

But still, that's who you are. You treasure life and excitement above all. And as much as I'd like to think I've become important to you, I guess it's all relative.

I couldn't sleep, so I was just reading random blogs when I came across this one of a girl who just got married last week. She put up pictures and videos of their happy day. And what struck me was that they looked genuinely happy to be there, the both of them, and that the day genuinely looked like it had been planned by the both of them.

Maybe I've been selfish because I want to control every detail of the day. I see now that a union takes two to clap, and two to create three.

I don't want to stifle you, and nor do I want you to be just a participant on what really should be a life of two.

And as much as I love my happily ever afters, I know it means nothing if only one of you truly wants it.

I won't force your hand, and I know I can't anyway. But I just thought you should know.

We said we'd compromise, and that we'd try.

But for the second time, the thing that scares me is that we wouldn't be here, if I didn't insist we spoke.

I'm not sure if I did the right thing or not, insisting that we spoke and work things out because I guess the knowledge that you've wanted a break twice in the span of year, tells me that perhaps I'll never be able to find a place in your life. And each time you say it out loud, each time you burst the bubble, it becomes more real. A real resounding echo of the you inside that just wants to break free and be rid of these strings.

That as much as you say you love me, it's all relative to the thousand and one other pursuits you still want out of life.

I've never had pride bail on me the way it did last night. But I believe some things are worth fighting for. And so I tried.

But slowly also, I'm understanding that sometimes the white flag must be raised.

That there sometimes comes a tipping point where you can't go back from it all.

I believe that time wasn't yesterday. But I also know that it's all or nothing now, and that scares me. Truly. I don't know if I could go through again, the heartache but tenfold.

I don't want to get jaded by love.

I still want my Disney ending. But I suppose that's the risk you take.

I'm saying this all now with unbridled honesty, because it's the only foundation strong enough to support a life of two. I asked the same of you, as I have many times before. But I hope you hear me this time around because we're on a see-saw, and it's about to tip over if you don't get on the other side to keep it balanced.

Maybe I shouldn't be spilling my guts out this way, and truthfully, I never normally would. But what have I got to lose anyway. Except my heart, all over again.

Like I said, it's our last fight.

ps: I hate the way this sounds. All of it. So morbid and unlike me.