Haven't been eating or sleeping well.

Please. Let. This. Pass.

Soon.

A new beginning

It's not a re-write, and we're not wiping the slate clean. We're just opening up a new chapter, wiser from the experiences of the chapters before.

Trying isn't going to be easy, but from the conversation we had earlier, I think the elements are hinting of good times ahead.

Better even, than the good times we had before.

All at once, my world feels complete again. And sappy love songs are just that, not tear-inducing and wallow-encouraging.

What a whirlwind the past 36hours have been.

I can't wait to get to know us all over again.

And this time, you get more than plates and utensils.

(Warning: Don't take this as free rein and try to poke your nose into everything too quickly. I might get territorial and bite, but be patient. I'll try.)

"You can take the girl out of Disneyland, but you can't take the Disney out of her."

Alright, so maybe no one famous said that, and therefore it can't be a quote.

But I'm making up the rules today.

A lot happened in the span of a day.

And I felt my heart break into a million pieces like it never did before.

Above all, I was sad that the life I had imagined was perhaps never to be, and I grieved for it. I also grieved for the memories, the happy times, and the ghost chairs that might never be.

I've always thought I was a fairly intuitive person.

So never in my wildest dreams did I imagine that you would have been so grossly unhappy, and for such a long spell at that, without any realisation on my part.

I didn't realise the lies stemmed from unhappiness. But in retrospect, I guess I should have. Though when I confronted you about the lies, you never said more than it being just easier and that you were just doing a guy thing. A stupid, cliched guy thing.

Was my interpretation of the happy times, solely mine? A figment of my imagination? I refuse to believe that's true, but the words that come out of your mouth and your actions tell me otherwise.

I don't believe in breaks, but I tried to give you the space you need. I really tried, but pride got pursued by heartache, and decided to bail on me.

So we spoke. For a long time.

But what struck me was that it didn't feel so different from the conversations we had on any regular day. Except this time, tears were constantly threatening to flow forth.

It is beyond me how your endless quest for life and excitement with acquaintances and colleagues can be so easily prioritised ahead of anything we share. And it saddens me to realise how much a line of distinction you also choose to draw between the two.

But still, that's who you are. You treasure life and excitement above all. And as much as I'd like to think I've become important to you, I guess it's all relative.

I couldn't sleep, so I was just reading random blogs when I came across this one of a girl who just got married last week. She put up pictures and videos of their happy day. And what struck me was that they looked genuinely happy to be there, the both of them, and that the day genuinely looked like it had been planned by the both of them.

Maybe I've been selfish because I want to control every detail of the day. I see now that a union takes two to clap, and two to create three.

I don't want to stifle you, and nor do I want you to be just a participant on what really should be a life of two.

And as much as I love my happily ever afters, I know it means nothing if only one of you truly wants it.

I won't force your hand, and I know I can't anyway. But I just thought you should know.

We said we'd compromise, and that we'd try.

But for the second time, the thing that scares me is that we wouldn't be here, if I didn't insist we spoke.

I'm not sure if I did the right thing or not, insisting that we spoke and work things out because I guess the knowledge that you've wanted a break twice in the span of year, tells me that perhaps I'll never be able to find a place in your life. And each time you say it out loud, each time you burst the bubble, it becomes more real. A real resounding echo of the you inside that just wants to break free and be rid of these strings.

That as much as you say you love me, it's all relative to the thousand and one other pursuits you still want out of life.

I've never had pride bail on me the way it did last night. But I believe some things are worth fighting for. And so I tried.

But slowly also, I'm understanding that sometimes the white flag must be raised.

That there sometimes comes a tipping point where you can't go back from it all.

I believe that time wasn't yesterday. But I also know that it's all or nothing now, and that scares me. Truly. I don't know if I could go through again, the heartache but tenfold.

I don't want to get jaded by love.

I still want my Disney ending. But I suppose that's the risk you take.

I'm saying this all now with unbridled honesty, because it's the only foundation strong enough to support a life of two. I asked the same of you, as I have many times before. But I hope you hear me this time around because we're on a see-saw, and it's about to tip over if you don't get on the other side to keep it balanced.

Maybe I shouldn't be spilling my guts out this way, and truthfully, I never normally would. But what have I got to lose anyway. Except my heart, all over again.

Like I said, it's our last fight.

ps: I hate the way this sounds. All of it. So morbid and unlike me.