I've cried my eyes out, and they're now swollen as ping pong balls.

What next ?

Today, with reason, I am feeling well and truly lost.

I'm not sure why or how I got so emotional about the news, but I did, and I cried.

I'm afraid now of what lies ahead.

I logged on to Facebook about ten minutes ago, and the amount of 'Happy Birthday' messages I saw on my wall kinda threw me off.

It was all so very surreal getting well wishes from people I don't normally speak to - some I haven't seen for as long as ten years! - and for someone like me who shuns excessive social contact, it was unnerving.

I didn't know what to do, so I logged off.

I never know how to respond to outpourings of care/concern, especially when I'm the recipient. I think I'm awkward with emotions like that. And this is ironic coming from me, who wants a big wedding where everyone gathers to celebrate my love.

But then there are other more intimate gestures which dont' scare me as much, but rather, they make me feel undeserving.

I got a text message at the stroke of midnight on my birthday, it was from a secondary school friend I have bumped into just once (a few months back on the bus), since 2000. She has apparently been sending me these text messages every year - but she'd been sending them to my old number previously, which explained why I never received any of them.

I also received a bouquet of flowers at 930 in the morning from a dear old friend from my Uni days in Melbourne.

I haven't kept much in touch with either of the two above people, but their kind gestures made me want to burst out in tears.

And then of course I had a thoroughly lovely day with boo. His level of attentiveness to detail never fails to touch me to the cockles of my heart. So thank you baby !

But I'm detracting from what I originally wanted to write about.

Seeing those messages on Facebook made me wonder about mortality. If tomorrow I were to die a sudden death, I'm sure I'd get those same number of messages, if not more on my Facebook page. Making it seem as if I was a well-loved person, when really, that couldn't be further from the truth because I don't like socialising. In fact, I hate it when people get to close - aside from a select few of course.

This is nonsensical babble.

I need to get back to work.

Yesterday night as I was driving home at half past midnight, I had another case of the missing-Melbourne.

I really do miss the place.

I'm not sure exactly what it is about Melbourne that I miss all the time, I definitely spent some of the most lonely and miserable nights of my life there, but still I miss it.

It'll always be my first home away from home.

And I'd really like to go back and see how she is.

In other news, also on my drive back, I couldn't help thinking about my job as well, and what I was planning to do if the talk (when/if it happens) didn't turn out the way I wanted it to.

I thought I had it all figured out, but now I'm not so sure.

A little (alright a large) part of me still believes in karma, happily-ever-afters and the Just World theory. That if I stick with it, and ride through the inevitable bumps of the first few years, things will eventually work out.

"If I just breathe, let it feel the space between, I'll know everything is alright, breath" - Michelle Branch

Well, it's wednesday and still nothing.

I guess monday didn't turn out to be so defining after all.

I'm disappointed things haven't progressed, and because patience is not a virtue of mine, I'm not sure how much longer I can sit still and wait.

I need an answer.

I need to know.

Now. If possible.

Please ?

Monday is going to be defining.

I think.

People always say life is full of choices
No one ever mentions fear
Or how the road can seem so long
How the world can seem so vast
Courage see me through
Heart I'm trusting you