DNS #2

Date: 29 July 2011

Location: Satsuma, Filmgarde (Bridesmaid)

Maybe it is time to make more of an effort to put the past behind.

As much as the memory hurts, if I don't move past it, it'll only continue hurting me. And gain momentum as it goes, before finally swallowing me up whole.

I can't change what's happened.

Now I just need to keep repeating that till I finally believe it.

Stop. Dwelling. Kim.

Think of now. Think of the future.

Try. Harder.

Because Friday's gone off to a brilliant start, I foresee a fantabulous weekend ahead.

xoxo,

Me, because I say so.

Heard a nice song on the radio as I was driving home tonight.

If I Die Young - The Band Perry

Here are my favourite bits from the song.

If I die young, bury me in satin

Lay me down on a bed of roses

Sink me in the river at dawn

Send me away with the words of a love song

.....

Life ain't always what you think it ought to be, no

.....

The sharp knife of a short life

Well, I've had just enough time

.....

A penny for my thoughts, no I'll sell them for a dollar

They're worth so much more after I'm a goner

And maybe then you'll be hearing the words I been singing

Funny, when you're dead people start listening

Truth be told, I think I'm very much an open book. Anyone who wants to understand need only listen when I speak, not just to the words but at the intention behind the words, and all you'll ever want to know will be there. Or here.

Because words are never just words to me.

I don't know if it's a curse or a blessing to spend so much time mulling and reflecting over everything big and small, but I guess you'd say I'm a by-product of my childhood of books and no toys or games.

I feel nobody really listens 90% of the time, and maybe now that I think about it, that's why I like the idea of dying young. Aside from not having to deal with excessive disappointment.

Because maybe my words will matter when I'm gone.

People need to learn to appreciate the present a little more. Isn't that why it's called the 'present'? Because it's a gift?

"You need to get MIO tv because there's nothing to do in your room but read", he says.

I suppose it's true. There really isn't a whole lot to do in my room. I have FTA channels - and hey, we've come a long way since just Channel 5 and Channel 8, now there's also CNA, Okto, Channel U, and extremely poor quality Indonesia and Malaysia channels - my computer and lots of books.

But now that I think about it, isn't that most people's rooms?

Not all of us have game systems.

I know he thinks reading also stimulates my already overactive imagination, but what are you going to do? Words are my escape and my solace. They can make a bad day good, and a good day bad. This topic feels kinda familiar. Like I've written about it quite recently.

Anyway, again it feels like the weekend's gone by all too quickly.

I was haunted by dark and twisty thoughts for a good part of it, more so than I have been in the past couple of weeks. Not sure why. Could be hormonal. Or maybe it's my stars. I read in today's papers that something about the alignment makes me particularly emotional and vulnerable. Maybe it's a deadly combination of both. In which case I can only say, I'm glad I survived.

When I talk about it, I'm not really looking for a long-drawn out dissection of what happened. Yes, there are questions that I want answered. But only because once you start poking, it's a little hard to stop - like a moth, drawn to light. So it takes effort and repeated coaxing - however repetitive it may feel - to make it stop.

Time to make the most of what's left of sunday.

The one thing that I'm slowly learning is that I want to spend my life with a man that I love with all my heart, and who also in turn, loves me with all of his. A man that I can rely on, and entrust my heart and my life with.

A man that is as great a man as my dad is.

Who can hold me up, when I can't. And help me see the other side of the coin, when I can't. Who will hold my hand and support me, whole heartedly and unquestioningly through the dark days, and skip with me through the good days. Who is willing to be kind and patient with me, when my emotions get the better of me. And know that I mean no malice. Who is willing to listen to me, beyond words, and understand my intentions.

Who will put us in a safe bubble, where we can be free to be us. Who wants me and you to be 'us', and have it be 'us against the world'. Someone who will fight for our relationship and me, because I matter. Someone who wants to be my defender and protector in this big bad world.

Someone that is willing to give me his 100% in return for mine, and feel not like he's losing himself, but rather gaining another half.

Someone who'll be there through the big stuff, and also the little stuff like changing the light bulb and setting up my TV.

I want it all.

Not a half fucked version of a boy.

And maybe there's some criteria out there for an ideal girl too.

I realise in the past few months I've stopped attempting to write titles for my blog entries. I used to make feeble attempts at it, but the truth is I'm not good at headings because I feel like I'm a whole lotta grey - and condensing it all into a few words feels like I'm selling things short.

So because it's not me, I don't bother trying anymore.

And I suppose that's the sentiment of late.

I feel like my life was rudely and horribly intruded upon and torn apart - it's akin to the feeling of having a burglar break into your home and ransack through your things. That complete invasion into your happy place, your sanctuary is awful. It makes you vulnerable. And then angry.

And for awhile it was all I could think about. I wanted to scream, slap and cry. All of the time. Reprieve from these thoughts, if ever, was always shortlived.

Then something else happened. And the penny dropped.

Life feels long when you don't know when the end will come, and so you allow yourself the luxury of dwelling on all the wrong things. I've come to the realisation that in truth, it really isn't all that long. Especially if you've spent it living well and been surrounded by love and all manner of happy, fluffy things.

Shit happens. You can either let it eat you up, or you can pick yourself up and tell yourself (and the world) that you don't have to take this shit. But I believe everything happens for a reason. As much as I've been hurt, I'm sure I've caused hurt to other undeserving people at some point as well. So I accept it all.

I guess the bigger question is, where do you go from here?

I can only say, up. But in (a whole lot of) time.

You learn to be stronger and wiser, just like the cliched quotes tell you.

You realise what you're capable of, and what you're willing or not willing to settle for. But as with all things, it's an ongoing journey till life pulls the plug. So perhaps the story's still unfolding, and you just have to wait and see. Of course it could very well end abruptly with no happy ending, but the reverse could also be true.

I've never been a big believer in the journey. I've always been a Disney sorta girl, and girls like that only love beginnings and endings. Everything else in between is a blur that is often best ignored because you can never get from serendipitous beginning to dreamy ending fast enough.

But now I am. I think.

Yesterday I chanced upon a lovely TVC for KFC.

And I loved it for three reasons.

1\ It featured a loving old couple, and though it didn't show very much of their life as it went back through the years, my imagination filled in the blanks. Of a couple who spent all their years together, happy and in love. Dancing through their years together in their treehole. I believe in sweet sweet love, and I want that.

2\ I loved the soundtrack. I've been listening to it on repeat since yesterday. It puts me in a much more optimistic and dreamy mood, than Fall For You did. It makes me dream of a happier time, of a life that would be wonderful just because we're together.

3\ It reminds me of my passion for advertising. I know I've crossed over to the other side, but as much as I used to rant about hating the industry, I've always known deep down that it's where I'll go back to one day - hopefully overseas. I truly believe that great campaigns can change people's lives. Feed their hopes, dreams and aspirations. Because that's exactly the impact that this TVC has had on me.

Life's not back on track yet. I'm not sure it ever will. But I think I see a new path starting to take shape.

I can't say I'm glad that all of this happened - I truly wish none of it did. But I'm trying to see the bright side of this upheaval. Everything from us to what's happening at home. And I guess the one good thing that's come out of it is that I feel like it's made me want to live a better life.

As always the weekend went by in a flash, and the start of a new week is just around the corner.

This weekend we spent loads of quality time together, and slowly I feel my heart becoming whole again.

Of course there were moments where memories and thoughts hijacked my mind, and flooded it with imageries I wish were just an outcome of an overactive imagination (unfortunately they're all too real and are a part of my reality now), but for the most part, it was good.

I guess it felt like we were line dancing to a two-step chacha. One step forward, two steps back. Two steps forward, one step back.

I hope in time to come we'll be taking three steps forward, and only one tiny step back; but as with all good things, I suppose it'll take time and patience.

Admittedly at times I look at you and wonder if I can really accept all that you've done, and trust that you'll never do it again. But I never say it out loud, because I'm afraid of planting seeds of doubt in our already fragile relationship - one that's still vulnerable whilst the bubble's being rebuilt. I suppose you'd call that the two steps back.

The other thing that seizes me with fear is the thought of resuming my usual weekly mahjong sessions. I was supposed to do that on Friday, but backed out at the last minute because I didn't want to spend my Friday night wondering what you were up to, and going all paranoid psycho girlfriend. I think about next week, and the same fear floods my heart again. I know I can't hold on this way forever, but for now, I just don't dare to take plunge and trust that I won't tear my mind to pieces and spend the night mindfucking myself.

But conversely, in the moments of two steps forward we took this weekend, I felt happiness and love like we used to. Laughing at silly things, talking and cuddling. I also felt loved when you took me for my run, then fed me, made sure I was well hydrated, washed up my stuff and tucked me in bed for a nap post run; before we went to see baby Alex.

I think I'd say the good outweighed the bad this weekend.

I've always been moved by music, and at almost every significant moment in my life there has been an accompanying soundtrack.

Right now it's Fall For You.

And I can't repeat that enough.

"This is not what I intended, I always swore to you I'd never fall apart.

You always thought that I was stronger,
I may have failed but I have loved you from the start."

I guess you could say I'm emotional like that.

I think the reason I always latch on to a song of the moment is not because I'm trying to express the way I feel. But because I feel the song represents how I hope the other person feels/will feel about me, without me having to spell it out explicitly.

I love words, they mean a lot to me. And I look for hidden depths and meaning in all of it.

It's what compels me to listen to a song over and again to fully grasp the significance of its lyrics, to prefer books over movies, and to love receiving the written word whether it's by hand, email, a text or otherwise.

I love being on the receiving end of words because it means someone's taken the time to craft a message just for me. So it has to mean something. As opposed to nothing.

I spent some time reading my past entries a couple of weeks back. It's something I've never felt inclined to do in the past because I don't like reading my writing. It makes me cringe and feel slightly vulnerable.

But I forced myself to.

And going through them I could genuinely feel the happiness of each word I put down.

Writing used to be an outlet for me when I was feeling down or had something happy to share. And though I'm updating a lot these days, I'm never really sure how much or even what I want to say. Because spelling it out makes it too real. So instead, I settle for logging on and filling this page with abstract bits of random thoughts.

I don't feel I'm writing from the heart - whether it's happy, or otherwise. And that there's no soul to these words.

For now anyway.