This weekend we spent loads of quality time together, and slowly I feel my heart becoming whole again.
Of course there were moments where memories and thoughts hijacked my mind, and flooded it with imageries I wish were just an outcome of an overactive imagination (unfortunately they're all too real and are a part of my reality now), but for the most part, it was good.
I guess it felt like we were line dancing to a two-step chacha. One step forward, two steps back. Two steps forward, one step back.
I hope in time to come we'll be taking three steps forward, and only one tiny step back; but as with all good things, I suppose it'll take time and patience.
Admittedly at times I look at you and wonder if I can really accept all that you've done, and trust that you'll never do it again. But I never say it out loud, because I'm afraid of planting seeds of doubt in our already fragile relationship - one that's still vulnerable whilst the bubble's being rebuilt. I suppose you'd call that the two steps back.
The other thing that seizes me with fear is the thought of resuming my usual weekly mahjong sessions. I was supposed to do that on Friday, but backed out at the last minute because I didn't want to spend my Friday night wondering what you were up to, and going all paranoid psycho girlfriend. I think about next week, and the same fear floods my heart again. I know I can't hold on this way forever, but for now, I just don't dare to take plunge and trust that I won't tear my mind to pieces and spend the night mindfucking myself.
But conversely, in the moments of two steps forward we took this weekend, I felt happiness and love like we used to. Laughing at silly things, talking and cuddling. I also felt loved when you took me for my run, then fed me, made sure I was well hydrated, washed up my stuff and tucked me in bed for a nap post run; before we went to see baby Alex.
I think I'd say the good outweighed the bad this weekend.
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