When I get these sick stirrings in my belly, and the paranoia sets in - I wonder what exactly it is I'm looking for.

Why am I going in search of things I know will inevitably hurt me?

If I discover something, my heart will sink.

And if I don't, then I'll be torn between wondering if you've gotten better at hiding, or if you're really telling the truth.

I'm tired of feeling this way.

Of being hijakced by paranoia and heartache throughout the day, especially when I least expect it.

I'm trying to tell myself to set these feelings aside, because if you're intent on lying, you will.

And there's not a thing I can do about it. But that's certainly easier said than done.

Maybe fundamentally what I'm most afraid of, is of my reality being a facade.

Because what this all boils down to, is whether the life I'm living is real or not. Whether the things I believe in are real, or not.

And I'm afraid of that reality being shattered. I'm afraid of being happy in case it isn't real. I'm afraid of hoping and dreaming, in case it isn't real.

I don't want to be that girl that people pity and laugh at behind her back.

I never even knew I was that girl. Till now.

I want control of my life back.

I want my choices in my life back.

I want to have a say in whether I can or cannot accept things that affect my life. Because it's only a relationship between two parties, if both of you get a choice in picking out the path you take.

So please mind and heart, for my sake, stop wondering.